starting again, again

It is incredibly difficult to restart a blog after almost 3 years absence.  I feel almost compelled to write a post about what has happened in those three years, how I recovered from agoraphobia, how I got a job (and lost it again) and how my old back problems have flared up with a vengeance.  It’s this which has prompted me to start writing again.

In many ways, my life is very similar to how it was when I was agoraphobic.  I don’t go out much by myself – not because of fear, but because my mobility is poor and the pain starts to become problematic.  Mr D is still my rock, and without him I think I’d be utterly stuck.

My reason for writing again is purely cathartic.  I am in pain, am struggling and have had enough.  Last time my back was very poorly, it helped me to keep a diary of what was going on, partly so that in my meds addled brain I could keep a note of what was happening.    I understand that people don’t want to read blogs which are all moany and pathetic, but it’s what I need right now.  I doubt anyone still has my RSS feed anyway.

My back problem is this:  I have arthritis in my spine, and three ruptured discs.  When my GP told me the results of my MRI scan, she actually apologised for not sending me for an MRI sooner.  She’d thought that my problems were merely a flare up of the old issue.  I’ve been referred to neurosurgery – this was an obstacle course in itself, as I had to be first referred to the musculoskeletal clinic for them to refer me.  In the end they didn’t even need to see me.

My appointment with the consultant neurosurgeon is on 14th May, and frankly I am counting the days.  The pain is constant, and if I try to ignore it, I get this sickly burning sensation in my spine.  I am struggling with most daily tasks – Mr D helps me put my knickers and socks on in the morning, and I need his help getting in and out of the bath.  I hate this.  I hate having to ask for help constantly and feel guilty that my husband works five long days a week – sometimes six – and when he comes home he is faced with a messy house and chores as long as your arm.  While he’s been out, I have mostly done bugger all, and consider myself lucky if I’ve managed to put a load of washing through.

So, I am going to try blogging.  Hopefully I’ll keep it up this time, and maybe it won’t be a constant moan.

Off We Go Again…

Trackback flooding (despite being stopped at a sytem level) is causing my control panel not to load, so I can’t post. The plugin I found works great – until it thinks *I’m* a spammer, and anyone who’s ever left a comment, which is why you get the 500 errors. It’s worth pointing out that until I figure this out, I’ve had to completely delete the trackback and comments scripts – so don’t try making comments.
Everything is buggered at the moment. I have a cold, which is just leaving me feeling tired and headachy. And to top it all, the worst possible borkage – my coffee machine’s not working. *cue dramatic music* Those who know me well know that I am a slut for a good cup of coffee. When my machine broke down 18 months ago, I was a wreck. I don’t think it’s to do with the caffeine, but more to do with the routine and orderliness. Plus I’m very fussy and like my coffee just so. Suggestions that I dust off the cafetiere have been met with gurns and obstinance – it just isn’t the same.
I posted on about it, and it seems to be the steam thermostat. I phoned the manufacturer and asked them if they will sell me just a thermostat (which looks incredibly easy to replace when I’ve looked inside) because sending it to them for repair will be prohibatively expensive. Luckily, they seem happy to send electronic parts to people, and it’s only going to cost £11.99.
The anxiety and depression have been worse, maybe because Everything Is Going Wrong, but I’m managing to deal with things in spite of this. When I telephoned the coffee people yesterday, it took forever. Redialling an 0870 number (national rate, for non UK readers) pressing different buttons and being told that they were busy… When I eventually got through, I managed okay because I knew exactly what I wanted. However, I suddenly remembered that I wanted an ‘o’ ring for inside the steam wand. The guy I spoke to was a bit confused as to exactly which ‘o’ ring I was talking about – I don’t think he expected people to go that far inside their machines! When I got off the phone, I realised I was shaking, which annoyed me. I felt stupid for letting my anxiety get to me over something so simple.
Aside from that, everything is the same. We’re still alive, and trying to blog…


I might kill something.
I’m doing this entry from my old installation of Movable Type which I forgot to delete. Aside from this, I can’t post, you lot can’t comment, and I hate the internet.
I shall fix it very very soon, I promise. In the meantime, if there’s something pressing, there’s a spanky link on the right *points* to email me.
In other important news, Mr D has been asked to work Stupid Shifts thanks to a client being as demanding as a two year old. This is only for two weeks, but it means that he’s here for most of the day, as he goes in to work at 3pm (til 11pm). On the bright side, it means that we can do Therapy during the week rather than at weekends, on the downside, it means it’s close to midnight when he gets home, so my already buggered body clock gets another flogging when he comes up to bed. I wish I could be one of these people who just goes to sleep and doesn’t worry, but I don’t – I can’t sleep until he gets home.
Ah well. I hope this posts…
edit yay!

Old Friend

There you are! Where the hell have you been? God, I’ve missed you so much.
You’re later than usual, and the last few months have been so dark and cold without you. Every day I yearned for your return, and the freshness and brightness that you always bring. When you came, you brought me flowers – daffodils and crocuses and I love them so much for bringing new colour into my life. And did I ever tell you how good you smell? When you’re around, I want to breathe so deeply, to capture you in my lungs until they burst.
Yesterday, outside in the garden, I felt your warmth caress me – everything just seemed happier with you around. I feel renewed – but that’s you – you have the power to make things fresh again, to make them new.
Thank you, Spring.