No, go on, guess.
I’ve decided to start writing again. No, don’t fall over.
There’s a few reasons for this. Firstly, people still read this blog. Even with 18 months of not posting, they still read it, then email me to ask if I’m okay because I haven’t written anything for so long. I’m both flattered and touched – thank you.
Secondly, I seem to be starting a new chapter with my mental health issues. Last week, I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Far from this being a crushing blow to my esteem, it’s actually a relief – so many things make sense now. I’m still on a learning curve, though, and as many bipolar people find it helpful to keep a record of their moods, I thought this would be a good place to do so. The type of bipolar I have is type 2, which essentially means I don’t have full blown manic phases, instead I get hypomania. My doctor said she had suspected bipolar for a while, but as I wasn’t in the middle of a crisis, and was doing well generally, it seemed silly to burden me with another mental health issue.
“But what about the agoraphobia?” I hear you cry. Well, the CBT went incredibly well. Part of the reason I stopped blogging was that it took a lot out of me mentally, and I found it really hard to write it all down too. The upshot of it is that I am no longer agoraphobic. I am doing so much now it’s hard to know where to start. I can get the bus into town and go shopping. Last year, I started going to a yoga class by myself – where I knew one other person (and she didn’t know about my ‘issues’ at the time). I’m plodding along, but there are still things that scare the crap out of me, like actually getting a job. I think it’s the fear of failure more than anything, and that it’s so final – if I screw up or decide I can’t manage, I know it will make a huge dent in my self esteem.
I’ve decided to write about my recovery from agoraphobia retrospectively, and I’ll whack it all in the CBT category, so it’s easy to find. I think this is important for my own benefit, and also to show people what it’s all about. If someone is about to embark on CBT, or has a loved one doing so, or their doctor is rattling on about a referral, then hopefully my witterings will help.
I’m also going to change the layout of the blog. I’ve had the mauve design forever, and I got lazy with the scripts that do my comments and stuff, which is why it looks like crap when you click on those links. However, I’ve been out of the loop for ages regarding scripts and things, so I might balls it all up, you’ll just have to wait and see.
So, ding ding, round two!