CBT thoughts

I’ve been writing this blog entry for three er, four days now. It’s not the usual procrastination thing, but a “where the hell am I going with this?” thing. If some of this comes out disjointed, I apologise, because I’m writing down all my thoughts, but don’t want to publish everything. Suffice to say, all of this will be discussed with J when I next see him.
This CBT lark is er, interesting. Imagine me saying that in a guarded sort of voice, because although I really want it to work, it’s challenging everything I ever thought about me and my health. It’s almost like saying the logical and natural behaviour that I’ve demonstrated over the last five years has been (although logical and natural) misguided. I’ve taken the path of least resistance to reduce my anxiety levels as quickly as possible (ie by running away) and by trying to keep myself safe, I’ve perpetuated the problem.
When I kept saying during my benefits appeal that I knew I needed to be in a positive place mentally to do this, I was spot on the mark. To challenge my innermost instincts – ones which have dominated my life for the last five years – is incredibly hard. The therapy is also challenging why I do certain things, and the way I do them. A good example is this blog. Why am I writing it? Is it because I want to give an insight into my experiences (as I’ve always maintained), and to put my thoughts and feelings into a tangible form, or is it because I need validation, or a platform to say “look at meeeee!” J doesn’t make these assumptions, just gets me to think about everything differently. I’m trying to take these comments on board in the spirit in which they are intended – just thoughts thrown out in the air to make me think – but there’s that little bit of paranoia in me that says “where did that come from? he must have thought it to say it, so maybe that’s what he thinks of me – maybe that’s what everyone thinks of me..” But then J has also queried my need to not be judged and my need to know that people like me, purely in the respect of getting me to ask “what does it matter what other people think?”
I suppose I’ve always been that way. Doesn’t everyone have some degree of desire to be loved and appreciated? I believe it’s a rare person who can go through life with a steely “don’t give a fuck what people think” attitude, someone who’s so confident in themselves that they never ask for an opinion. We all have insecurities some are just more prevalent than others. I know my family history has a lot to do with it, and without going into detail, I guess it’s become habit that I seek affirmation in what I do.
However, this is not why I write this blog. Okay, it’s nice when I get messages from people offering cyber-hugs and support, but to be honest, if I have a bad time I have a small circle of friends online who I know I can always turn to. I don’t write a blog that may or may not be read so that some random stranger might feel the urge to write and tell me it’s going to be okay.
This entry has gone in a totally different direction to what I originally planned. I was going to write about the thought processes of panic, and what J is suggesting. I guess this whole validation theory has got my back up more than I thought. Oh well, at least I have a topic in mind for my next entry.

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