…and another

Why are panic attacks so draining? I feel absolutely wrecked.
This morning, Ginger needed to transfer some money over at the bank. I decided to go along for the ride, thinking a look out and the fresh air would do me some good. Well that was a bad idea. I don’t know what happened, but it seemed like everything was freaking me out. It started with the big man outside the art shop – who I nearly bumped into. Then the hypersensitivity kicked in. Everything bugged me. Everything made my anxiety worse. The fractious child. The man running. The old woman not looking where she was going. Some stupid guy riding his bike on the pavement (I shouted out “Ignorant bastard!” I don’t know if he heard me…)
I can’t even begin to describe the fear. The acute pressure in my chest and the overwhelming feeling that I can’t breathe. I’m not even there. I’m watching it like a dream. Everyone is staring at me. Footsteps on the pavement get louder, and closer, and oppressive before fading away again. I can hear Ginger’s voice telling me “It’s okay, I’m here, you’re safe” but its almost as if he’s not there. I’m sitting on a bench, but I don’t remember going to it, or deciding that I wanted to sit down. Maybe I didn’t – but that’s not important anymore.
Eventually, I felt okay enough to go back to the car. I got up, my legs feeling like jelly. With me hanging on to Ginger, we walked back to the car park, where I collapse in the passenger seat and cry like a baby. I’m tired of this happening. I’m so, so sorry for my poor husband who has to pick up the pieces.
At home, I lay on the sofa, exhausted and weak. I have slept, and now I feel sick and drained. I’ll feel fine tomorrow, but I’m just annoyed that the whole day is wasted because of stupid panic.

2 thoughts on “…and another

  1. Angel says:

    and here’s one for ((((((((Gingah))))))))
    Much love to you both. 🙂

  2. Bev says:

    Backatcha, girlfriend…

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